On Seeing Mark Zuckerberg's girlfriend

"That's it? He can go to Thailand and get 20 of those!"
Michael, who's wife is also Asian

And now I'm cracking myself up

Andy: i would just add, a fancy lawyer in the back of a boob-laden water mattress truck

It was a good hat

Andy: oh thank god
gross, zac.
fuckin gross.

Awkward!

"Wow, yours is so much longer than mine!"
-Talia

On idiots

Andy: it's not that simple

not to mention completely wrong

Good one

Jessica: so I tried to watch C-SPAN today

me: it's not your fault

if you didn't last very long

Jessica: that's what she said

Smoke detectors?

Eric: wow, I've got "WW2 in HD" on TV, workmen installing new smoke detectors, and a gchat conversation about burrito penises. This day rapidly got awesome

By giving things out like pez

Shaiya: That's how girlfriends get fat

Half of an existential realization

"There's no reason for half of my interactions."
-Macie

I don't know what this was

"Can you please... not... ruin my life?"
-Macie

Burn!

Andy: also why do stupid, conservative people always frame themselves as embattled yet triumphant?

they tried to attack me. and i'm still standing

uh, no, you just got owned by your own masturbation video

But of course they are

Andy: also the lab-grown penises apparently made the recipient rabbits super horny

Fillet o Fish haiku

Golden impostor
Are you fish? Are you lying?
Our love is secret

-Bryan

Cause it's wet?

"From the back, you just look like a Mexican."
-Dana

It's not an old wives tale

Andy: as is wont to happen when you articulate your action figure too much

It is pretty awesome

"No, that is so great, it got itself bought for you, THEN got you laid."
-Nick

"This guy has a total Hitler stache"

From: Shaiya
Excellent! The grace period has ended. Hitler staches for all!

Received:
Mon Oct 19, 7:16 pm

That's a great idea!

"Yeah cause we're drunk... right now."
-Mom

Short chat with my unnamed lobbiest friend

(girl in sacramento): would it be wrong if I got involved with a client?

4:51 PM me: kind of
(girl in sacramento) is offline

Wow, I could see that

Bryan Solari to me
Not gonna be making it tonight. My friends thought endless shrimp was a good idea. It's not.

Sent from my iPhone

Do you know what crackerjack means?

Narges: nothing

i thought it was name of the snack

where popcorn, caramel and peanut come together

I don't like this game

Me - "That was really good pie. Thank you."
Andy - "Now we'll see if we get food poisoning."

At least they tell you

"People always tell me that I look bitchy."
-Talia

I gave him kudos for being classy

Andy: i would like to raise the possibility of an artichoke cross-section as metaphor for lady parts.

Make it to-go

"I'd like an extra large mocha latte and a blowjob."
-Ben, after I told him about this
Baristas charged with Prostitution

This has me excited for it too

"DFX!"
-Narges, referring Dillon Family Christmas

Couscous with dates

Macie: I think I forget what dates are.
Luc: Those are those horrible things you go on all the time before you get married and start to really miss them.

I wouldn't think so

Andy: no. his balls haven't dropped yet.

thank god.

right?

It's pretty true

macieschreibman: ahhh, vanity - you make zac's head so large

I didn't mind though

Dana: "That could probably count as sexual harrassment."
me: "I think mine could too, actually."
Dana: "As long as we're both guilty."
me: "We should probably just turn around and forget about this." (blogger's note: FAIL)

Birthday Research

Narges: after all my research on minerals, i realize i like minerals

and now i know way more about them

you should wiki it

pretty fascinating stuff

they all formed on their own and most are shiny

though some are smelly

Post 300!

Shaiya: Fuck yeah

every girl wants a threesome for her birthday

Self reflection

"Australians are racist against everyone. Which I guess doesn't make us racist... we're just bastards."
-Tim

many things have wings... dont mock the guess

Narges: just cause you didnt think to get me a flying present

She said it so quick...

Me: "Yeah, but I'm funny."
Macie: "Debatable!"

Far too often

"the world is an awk place"
-Narges, in conversation

I KNOW!

Narges: this is why i dont make friends with ppl

cause then they think they're my friend

It's one of those days

"I will, but first I need to see what my dad said about my status."
-Macie

This is an awesome girl, folks

me: so macie asks, "What sounds do ninjas make?"

and I say "Whhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Narges: they dont make sounds

i think thats why they're ninjas

Sent at 2:02 PM on Wednesday

me: you make a valuable point

Narges: and when they do, its probably japanese profanity

Sent at 2:04 PM on Wednesday

Narges: i just wikied ninja

this day is so gone

Ah, me too

From: Jon Hua
More hot stewardesses on virgin. Wish you were flying with me

Received
Mon Jul 6, 3:45 pm

Finding yourself, I suppose

From: Andy Wang
Can't believe I'm coming back. Where have I been?!?! I think I found myself. Be home around 11?

Received:
Sat Jul 25, 1:17 pm

I thought he said "Barone"

From David Garcia
When the mood is right. probably around 11

Received:
Fri Jul 31, 8:21 pm

...

From David Garcia
Going to barnone

Received: Sat Aug 1, 10:57 pm

Text conversation between me and Derek

me - Dude!
Derek - Haha. I KNOW.

Fri. Aug 14 7:37 pm

Just the tip

"GTP"
-Nick

Who, who?!

"What I'd like to do is throw them under the bus..."
-Ben, calmly on the phone

C.J. is awesome...

Jennifer: plus, Toby is a good person to sleep with, so I stand by my assertion.

"Man, she is dark"

Nick: give that bitch a hug

Give it time

"Oh, I'm definitely getting a hump. But it' s not sore yet."
-Macie

Such is life

Andy: hahah

touché?

your new tv has sustained a lot of bodily liquids in its first day out of the box

For reals

Nick: you cant marry a girl like that

let alone date

Andy's back!

Andy: you better back it up before i fuck it again

Overheard by Macie...

“No, I don’t mind being your carrot at all.”
- Zac Dillon

I'm not the one who said "we"

Talia - "You got a ticket?"
me - "It's actually called a 'citation.'"
Talia - "We're being pretentious early today."

My favorite new saying

"Today was a nap short of perfect."
-Narges

I'm pretty sure it wasn't

"Is that a Tommy Gun? We are in America..."
-Andrew, a British fellow

Oh Yeah...

Me -"Weren't we just talking about hermaphrodites?"
Macie -"Sporks."

Peppers

John - "They're small, aren't they?"
Me - "Yeah, they're poppers. They're for your mouth."
Macie and Talia - "They're for your mouth."

Selections of Spam

Shagging will be your favorite subject!
Cause ladies need pounding!
You can cry because of your weak limp rod, or you canpurchase [sic] this solution.

My Family

(there are leftover ribs)
Adam: "Yeah Celena, you want some bones?"
(mild laughter)
Jeff: "I don't get it."
Adam: "Funny, neither do I."

Jon's status was "hungover"

me: dude, me too!

hungover

jonhua: nice

iamno longer

sorry

i will update
jonhua's new status message - studying 10:04 AM

me: ah, cocktease

jonhua: ahahah

jonhua's new status message - cocktease 10:04 AM

Group chats are fun

Shaiya: no way

like sachin's tennis coach

Sachin Gandhi: you mean thor?

thor schreck?

Shaiya: i just got pregnant

Sachin Gandhi: that is not appropriate

You keep using that word...

"You should get a Playboy."
-My mom, to me

There in spirit

From: Jon Hua
Lick a new hire.

Received:
Sat May 23, 1:53 pm

.....

From: Jared
Ro drunk

Received:
Sat May 23, 7:06 pm

....

From Jared
Sodrunk how is nfi

Received:
Sat May 23, 9:29 pm

And it was GOOD

Narges: i cant stop thinking about the stupid microwave brownie

i keep thinking "im only a minute away from brownie"

I just have the one, really

mujihoshi: okay, see we have different cow priorities

It might be a soft J

"Jogging... it's weird. Just run somewhere."
-Tim

I did not

"I saw your vagina by the way."
-Tim

And now...

"You know, I used to be a super guy, but then I stopped eating dairy."
-Colin, on why he's no longer a "super guy"

Post-explosion realization

Andy: oh my god, our fridge food

hurry, pg&e!

Text out of nowhere

From: Nick
Lingerie is like the sprig of parsley they put on my 32 oz steak

Received:
Fri Jun 5, 9:57 am

So true

Shaiya: i was just going to say

it takes a lot of balls (literally and figuratively) to come (literally and figuratively) after Phelps

What exactly?

"This is what gets us to the sixty nine."
-Marin

So wrong

Jonathan Hua: oakland is like my balls

feels good but i need you to move higher

It's still not old to me

Shaiya: if you loved me you'd come

that's what she said!

Hating life? Drink more

"Maybe I should start putting kalua in this."
-Macie, first thing in the morning

Jared, you don't mean that

Jared Zack: no but i just want to have sex twice with jon

Shaiya: that's far more likely to happen, too

Hey, everyone's got a .5

Shaiya: fuck the point fives you racist douches

She didn't

Me- "Do you remember Punky Brewster?"
Macie & Talia - "YES!"
Dana - "Did she die?!"

There's always that

Eric: unless the birth control fails

I actually think that would make me pink

Jon: you are like the white and red dude on my shoudlers all at once.
you are orange.

Um?

"I'm a boy and a girl twin."
-Macie

It would be

Shaiya: that would be the most awkward thing ever

a foursome where three people know each other really well and the fourth person is latina

"persons of interest" has a new meaning

Jonathan Hua: NO

you are not whores

you are women of jon hua's interest

Tours group chat: day 2

Eric: play marry f kill right now

Jonathan Hua: ok

Eric: George Bush, George W Bush, Ronald Regan

Jonathan Hua: martha stewart, rosie o'donnell, or a red velvet cake
Eric: marry Martha, kill Rosie, do red velvet cake
me: Marry Regan, F GB, kill GWB

Jonathan Hua: agreed

me: Marry Martha, F red velvet cake, Kill rosie

Shaiya: marry cake, fuck martha, kill rosie

because then i'd have the cake forever and martha only once

Jonathan Hua: a book shelf, godzilla, oprah

...

Illiteracy is so sad

Icant read
What's the opens and clicks?
-Ginny, via email

We all do

Oh god I just busted out laughing. That is freaking GREAT.

Also cool, thanks for the hookup. P.S. I hate Fatty. I HATE HIM.

awesome...

"I'll scalp you, paleface."
-Michael

At the morning meeting

"Everybody tastes different. I've heard, actually, that women taste better."
-Colin

I hadn't heard this

"Women... really... like... round."
-My Boss

I know exactly what that is

Jon: haha apparently it was drunk-subtle

I couldn't wait to write this one down

me, to my drunk friend's drunk friend - "Hey, I'm Zac."
him - "A.J. Are you Hebrew?"
me - "No."
him - "Eh, that's OK anyway."

Ah, spring

New York is good... Spring is slowly stumbling in like a drunk Puerto Rican...
-Jed

Mmmmm... paste

Paste is good

Marin Bright
CEO / Bright Business Media

Nice checks

nekidd: they are so weird

i ordered them hungover 3 years ago

This was just funny

"We're here with Tracey Jordan, who is giving guitar icon Peter Frampton enigmatic clues about buried treasure."
-Larry King on 30 Rock

Day after St Paddy's

"I'm just being a bitch it's awesome."
-Talia

Um... Cause... Check

"Shut up. Why don't you just go look at pictures of yourself and leave us out of this."
-Macie's retort

Re: Beets

ew i know that's sickening. but it's science.
-Kirstin, by email

From my GChat Archives: 3/30/07

Nick: oh

well dont kill him then

you might get fired

me: true

Nick: might

Kinda true

Lisa: you better grow that beard back

without it, you don't look laid back enough

This Simpsons episode was like 16 years ago

"but this weekend is reserved for watchmen. who watches the watchmen?

*stonecutters*: WE DO, WE DO"
-Andy

Did I really just hear that?

"It's a great way to get out aggression. I want to get out there and stroke some balls."
-Michael

So, nothing new?

me: "So what's up with that crazy bitch, Mike?"

mike: "That bitch is crazy."

It really is

me: but it makes me feel pervy

Shaiya: That's why we're friends Zac

The one in the Marina is best, I hear

Narges: So, i was at safeway last night and had to ask this woman where the dates are and she laughed at me cause i just walked up to her and said "im looking for dates"

Group Chat number 1

me: my car got broken into AGAIN

Shaiya: WHAT?!

me: yeah, it happens

Shaiya: again? what'd they take?

Kirstin: your dildos?

Shaiya: you're the worst sympathizer, kirst

Haha... "junk"

"Is my e-mail going to your junk?"
-Ben, to the boss

He is a busy guy

Ben: "Colin, Lynn's holding for you."
Colin: "Who's Lynn?"
Ben: "Lynn, your girlfriend."

Not the oddest advice from my mom ever

"Make sure you do fully nude."
-Mom

From the, "I have enough friends" file

and i still have not responded
she'll get the picture

-Jon

Because no one's born like that

"What do you think Sarah Palin was doing when that goat kicked her in the side of her head?"
-Shaiya

Meta e-mail

RE: Piccadilly Inns new property profile form

Colin Murphy
To: 'Mylah Moua'
Cc: 'Zac Dillon'

Email is best

An e-mail from Connecticut

but its fucking freezing out here and i hear CA is having a heat wave. i want to kill myself. hope youre doing well!

-David Garcia

Re: Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack

On Wed, Jan 14, 2009 at 9:27 AM, Andy wrote:

Two counts of awesome. One! Two! Two counts of awesome! Ah, ah, ah!

Coffee makes me a completely different person in the morning.

New band name

"Any Sapporo-driven escapades?"
-Girl on Valencia to her fella

So... you don't want to gather mushrooms?

Andy: "I was like, 'please, let them not be Asian.' And they weren't."

It's all I can think about now

Nick: you know whats scary

try really hard to imagine

a t rex inside your office

or trying to break in

January 2, 8:29 am

Me - "Hey Ben. No more 'Joy to the World'?"
Ben - "We're fucking done with that shit."