Two excellent questions

From: Mike
How the fuck did they get the money to make weekend at bernies 2? And, why the fuck, can't i stop watching it?

Received:
Tue Jan 12, 11:30 am

So, nothing new?

me: "So what's up with that crazy bitch, Mike?"

mike: "That bitch is crazy."

Ha, I did

"... and then yesterday... I didn't have bacon yesterday... Fuck!"
-Mike

Better than coal

"You got ants than a motherfucka. Man, I'm getting you Raid for Christmas."

-Mike

The best movie ever?

Nick - "You've never seen 'Sixteen Candles'? It's-"

Mike - "DON'T... say what you're about to say..."

Maybe you had to be there

Mike, reading a text on Nick's phone:

" 'I just wanted to say I love you and you're the best.' You'd be the best if you got off your ass and got us all waters."

I have actually

"Have you ever smelled Tanqueray on a hot day?"
-Mike

He is quite the redneck

From: Mike

Dude i think im gonna do one of those red neck mustache u know with no beard.

Received:
Fri Sep 12, 3:03 pm

Touche

Nick - "It was very sensual."
Mike - "What does that even mean? Use that word in a sentence."
Nick - "It was very sensual."

"Well do you want a large, or the biggest one?"

me - "Tell him what size it is."

Nick - "OK, they have a large, an extra large and King Kong..."

Mike - "This is a King Kong?"

Nick - "No, this is a Mac Daddy."
Mike - "A Mac Daddy?!"
me and Nick - "Mac Daddy."

We really are a hive mind

Mike - "We should go mini-golfing soon. I haven't done that in a long time and I really want to go."
me - "Yeah that could be fun. (30 seconds later) You're talking about doing it drunk, right?"
Mike - "Of course."

oh, white girls

From: Mike
A buddy i might need u 2 pick me up from work these white girls r goin 2 take me sailing

Received:
Thu Aug 7, 2:38 pm

Or just the truth

Nick - "What's that called? When alcohol makes everything seem so much better?"
Mike - "I'm pretty sure that's called alcoholism."