I have no idea

"How'd it get so beautiful? It's kind of ridiculous."
-Sarah

But I haven't been to Vegas for months...

me - "Hello?"
Ben (office manager) - "Hi Zac, your wife is holding on line one."
me - "My wife? I'm pretty sure it's for the other Zach."
Ben - "Oh. Yeah. Probably."

She certainly sounds like it

Andy: i was listening to some (i can only assume stout) woman on bbc world service yesterday.. she was a hillary delegate, and she said there was "something about" obama she didn't like.. he was arrogant or something

i called her a bitch out loud while walking down the street

A what?

Nick - "You know what you are? You're a puss in a hat."
me - "What?"
Nick - "You know the Cat in the Hat? You're a puss in a hat."
me - "Is that like a little bitch?"
Nick - "No, you're a puss in a hat."

Ladies....

Sent at 8:53 AM on Friday
Jon: i'm half way through with dr horrible
good shit

Sent at 8:55 AM on Friday

Jon: hahahahaha

the hammer is my penis

My CEO...

"You flunked grooming!... I was expecting a poodle nose."
-Marin

At least she wasn't on TV

Jessica: but it's a disability that leads to fun and games, so I'm all for it

much like down syndrome

wait. By which I meant people with down's syndrome often compete in the Special Olympics

not that it's going to automatically lead to fun and games if you have down's syndrome

I'm not all for down's syndrome

not that there's anything wrong with people who have it

well, besides the fact that they have it

God, I've just dug myself a politically incorrect chasm

I did

Derek: Whoa

Science is on the floor

me: science is on the floor?

Derek: Derived from "you just dropped some science"
I like to build off those sort of aphorisms

And it did

Derek: That can certainly salt your game

And affect your employment

The Axis grows

Narges: this story makes italy sound like the unfunnest place

they are acting like they are an islamic country

which is never a compliment

They're almost words

Lisa: i had mmmbop in my head all sunday
i don't even know why
but not even any words, just the chorus of mmbop dop bop doo bop a doobiedopbop doo bop dop ba doo yea yea

I haven't shaved for two weeks...

Athena - "But it's summer. Your facial hair should really be seasonally appropriate."

Touche

Nick - "It was very sensual."
Mike - "What does that even mean? Use that word in a sentence."
Nick - "It was very sensual."

It was subtle, but yeah

Obama (on TV) - "... and I know she has gone on to a better place."
Dad - "Did he just say there's a better place than America? Cause that's what I heard."

Possibly where I get it from

From: Marci Dillon
Date: Thu, Aug 21, 2008 at 9:44 AM
subject: lunch

I forgot my delicious lunch on the kitchen counter. : (

THEN... when I went to my car, there were ants ALL OVER my car!

I had to take it to the car wash.

NOW... we have no server access. And my fonts won't load.


BUT... the coffee tastes great : ) ahhh...

Mom

It kind of does

Derek: I feel like Bakersfield just lends itself well to being on mugs

"Well do you want a large, or the biggest one?"

me - "Tell him what size it is."

Nick - "OK, they have a large, an extra large and King Kong..."

Mike - "This is a King Kong?"

Nick - "No, this is a Mac Daddy."
Mike - "A Mac Daddy?!"
me and Nick - "Mac Daddy."

It's not a lie if it confuses you too

Nick - "I think I'm doing something tomorrow... No, it was just a lie I was telling someone."
me - "You made plans to lie about something ahead of time?"
Nick - "Yeah, my lies are elaborate and pretty far-reaching."

Did they mean the IT department? (also I love the use of "thrice")

Try IT. It's really work. Make your woman happy.
,
,
,

She added a few large daisies to the red roses in his hand.

if it'd get them out of this God-damned war."
Gregory tried to spring up straight, but he swayed thrice.

He is... and I don't

Me - "You're such a girl."
Jon - "Shut up. I'm sorry, I care about people."

This spam is kind of pretty

[SPAM] New Private message awaits.
From: castid1ly2qw@aol.com

Be super in the bed games.
.
.
.
covered up the sun like something too good to be seen. The whole was so

the air, shouting at people along the road, crying out all sorts of things:
shrill whine of a crane sounded in his ears and the throaty cry of men

.....

It's time to go back to school! Get the latest trends and gadgets that make the grade on AOL Shopping.

It's true

me - "You just got IM'd, dude."
Jon - "Zac, I get IM'd out the ass."

I'm not sure how this word would come up...

Andy: for some reason, UK media keeps using the word "chinaman"

it's either less offensive there, or their publications are just more racist

Sent at 4:39 PM on Tuesday

In regards to Michael Phelps

Jessica: don't get me wrong, I fully appreciate his talent

but he looks a little short-bus to me

Like sky

"I see a lot of things in the sky that aren't meteors."
-Liz

Now she's like the Cunningham's oldest son (I was right)

2:58 PM me: oh and I'm fairly certain that the pam to my jim is getting fired

Andy: wow

probably because you've distracted her too much

2:59 PM with your jimness

At least he made it to 3:00

Andy: i just put my head down and fell asleep forty minutes ago

it was awesome

me: haha

at work?

Andy: yeah

i don't know how long i was out. probably some minimal amount of time.

Sent at 3:40 PM on Tuesday

I would guess

Michael - "Hey, how's the sewage?"
Kerry - "Terrible!"

We really are a hive mind

Mike - "We should go mini-golfing soon. I haven't done that in a long time and I really want to go."
me - "Yeah that could be fun. (30 seconds later) You're talking about doing it drunk, right?"
Mike - "Of course."

My response was "You win"

From: Kirstin
Passed out in my bath tub last night.

Received: Sun Aug 10, 8:37 am

Indeed

Michael - "Kids should get out of Marin."
Ginny - "Kids should get out of Marin."

Pull this thread...

Narges: yesterday, my coworker came into my office and was asking me to do something and i finally looked up and all i said was "suck it"

i only told that story right now, bc if this convo was in person, i could get a reaction from you by just saying "suck it" and walking away

But they're pretty

Narges: i dont think you should share your LOVE of glass-ware with just anyone

if they dont know you well, it can get awk

Sent at 4:14 PM on Thursday

me: how is that awkward?

Narges: its just an unusual thing to be so interested in

specially for a boy

oh, white girls

From: Mike
A buddy i might need u 2 pick me up from work these white girls r goin 2 take me sailing

Received:
Thu Aug 7, 2:38 pm

Yes, I reached for my calculator

Jessica: Bush has had 506 vacation days in the last year

me: no

try again

Jessica: according to the daily show

me: there are 141 things wrong with that statement

Jessica: last 8 years, sorry

At least there's no butter there

Lisa: exactly
and i am the most delicious lobster :(

Was the cake too ordinary?

Kate: i didn't eat cake

i had the world's most ridiculous side order of rice and beans, and then beer and jungle juice
woo

Is it?

"Well, flattery is the highest form of compliment."
Colin, on the phone

She didn't seem drunk

(Me and some inappropriate lady in line at Whole Foods)
Her -"Sandwich-boy can go first."
me - "Thanks, and I like that nickname. It actually fits me well."
Her - "I was going to call you spanky."

Note the "h." This is not me talking to myself

me, holding my hands in C shapes, finger tips and thumbs toward each other about half an inch apart - "Zach, what's about this size?"

Zach - "Uhhhmm..."

me - "I don't want to describe it as the size of a burger."

Zach - "I think you can say burger. A burger is pretty portable and definitely palm-sized."

me - "Well here's a picture of what I'm describing."

Zach - "That's really more like a BLT."

I won't

Sent at 4:50 PM on Monday

Narges: "dont tease me unless you can please me"

is what i heard form the board room

as 3 guys with suits are having a meeting

me: hahaha

that's good advice

Narges's new status message - "don't tease me unless you can please me." 5:09 PM

Gems from Bonta

"And why do these terrorist bases have so many red barrels?"

"I'm just a flurry of blades."
-Anthony